Strange Trivia

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella."

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (formerly of the Monkees)

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been over mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned...
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned...
That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I love them one more time before they passed away.

I?ve learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

This is Rex Barker C.S. (Carefully Studying life) saying that I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. ! My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving? .... Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"....Nope. Talked 'em into giving up.. Here's your sign."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it." ~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, .... Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" . Now, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
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I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuc k and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... okay....no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked ....
So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign.

Phrases Of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to
the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.
 

Imagine that ....How did we ever survive?
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these.
They were. No one was to blame but us. Remember?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected, no one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

Getting Old or Old Age Is...
**Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything
else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
**You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
**Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot
more work.
**Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five
women to every man. Isn't that the dog-gone-est time for a guy
to get those odds?
**Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
**By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
**Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
**A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow
down by his doctor instead of by the police.
**Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing
the one that will get you home earlier.
**You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution
is the only thing you care to exercise.
**Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
**The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work
its way through Congress.
**You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your
car in the parking lot.
**You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker,
and you can't get it started.
**You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after
feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
**The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
**Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the
good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
**It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
**Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind,
I spent all my money.
Actual Courtroom Statements

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact
that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after
they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer
guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in...
but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that
'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer
monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...
the Number One reason to go to work naked :
Your boss will never say,
"I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

ctual Courtroom Statements
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your
red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere


The 10 Reasons Why God Made Woman

#10 God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
#9 God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
#8 God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
#7 God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
#6 God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
#5 God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
#4 As "keeper of the garden", Adam would need help in finding his tools.
#3 Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
 #2 As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
 #1 And the #1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.) God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared: "I can do better than that."

FUNNY CLASSIFIEDS:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED

AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE
OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

Pithy Crusts of Wisdom;)
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious
In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life. IT GOES ON
There is no right way to do the wrong thing
The best vitamin for making friends; B1
Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?!"
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
My Reality Check Bounced.
 

"HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:"
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

"HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:"
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch
(and they never laugh at how you throw.) [Hey ladies, we
men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look when you
throw... as long as it's not a shoe.]
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is
rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the
one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

 It is impossible to lick your elbow. A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out. A shrimp's heart is in their head. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones). It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Rats and horses can't vomit. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their posterior. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Cat's urine glows under a black- light. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

What about Canadian Cows?
Traditional Capitalism;  You have two cows. you sell one and buy a bull. Your herd and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
U.S. Capitalism;  You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
Enron Venture Capitalism;  You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. You then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. the milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull.
French Capitalism;  you have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism; You have two cows. You redesign them so the are 1/10th the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them globally.
British Capitalism;  You have two cows. Both are mad.
Italian Capitalism;  You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
Chinese Capitalism; You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Russian Capitalism;  You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Hindu Capitalism; You have two cows. You worship them.
Spanish Capitalism; You have two cows. You ask the EU for an agricultural subsidy. With the money you get you open a bar. In the meanwhile you get your unemployment subsidy. The cows were dead three years ago.

       TIPS FOR A LIFETIME

1--Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips

2--Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto
the hot griddle-perfect shaped pancakes every time.

3---To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

4---To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt
to the water before hard-boiling.

5---Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice
Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to
your fingers.

6---To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to
room temperature and roll them under your palm against the
kitchen counter before squeezing.

7---To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply
add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover
bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top-skillet will
be much easier to clean now

8---Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before
pouring in tomato-based sauces-no more stains.

9---When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside
of the cake.

10--If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt
for an instant "fix me up".

11--Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator-it will keep for weeks.

12--Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.

13--Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften
it back up.

14--When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help
bring out the corns natural sweetness.

15--To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan
of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

16--Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
 

17--Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

18--If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.

19--Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just
slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

20--To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap
on the area for instant relief.

21--Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to
never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a
line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march- see for
yourself.

22--Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job
and better still, leave a lovely smell to the shine.

23--When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before
resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape
over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most
splinters painlessly and easily. For a deep splinter or thorn,
put bacon on it over night and voila! it will be out in the
morning.

24--Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait
twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and
effervescent action clean vitreous china.

25--To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet,
fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

26--Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass
of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

27--Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop
in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or
longer, if necessary).

28--Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three
Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of
Heinz White Vinegar wait a few minutes, then run the hot
water.

29--If your VCR has a year setting on it, which most do,
you will not be able to use the programmed recording feature
after 12/31/99. Don't throw it away. Instead set it for the
year 1972 as the days are the same as the year 2000. The
manufacturers won't tell you. They want you to buy a new
Y2k VCR ____

TWO YEAR DEGREE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University
that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real
Man. That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too,
can become a real man as well as earn a MA degree (Male
Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in
at 4 a.m.
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2


Course Electives:
EAT 101: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
Ø MENtal illness
Ø MENstrual cramps
Ø MENtal breakdown
Ø MENopause
Ø GUYnocologist (phonetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. CONCLUSION; The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.